decisions decisions...

It was a couple of months ago that we received the invitation for the upcoming wedding of Nick’s twin brother, Dave. I just got teary eyed. We had been making plans and looking forward to this trip to Europe since we found out Dave was going to propose (in February last year). We had made plans to stop in Portugal to be with the Mendes and Branco families, spend my birthday there with friends, and then the golden finale: a romantic and sophisticated ceremony by the lake in Klagenfurt (oh, we knew it would be sophisticated! It’s Dave’s wedding!!). Well, those tears were not of joy, since given Nick’s (un)employment status and my limited income, we decided immediately that we would not attend the wedding.
Until last week. Dave and Claudia have been insisting on offering the trip so we can be there with them. After adamantly declining the offer for quite some time, I finally had a change of heart. First, because we really want to be there, and I know it will mean a lot to them too. And then because I realized we can’t possibly postpone everything and put our lives on hold indefinitely. We have no idea when we will ever be able to afford traveling to Europe again, maybe only when we move back for good. And so many things in our lives are on hold right now, that it seemed just crazy to pass on this opportunity. Needless to say that there were more tears over the weekend… but these were good ones. The twins (Nick and Dave) will reunite for a special occasion, and if nothing else, this will be an incredible treat for them.
So I am trying to take a breath, and not to panic about the fact that we will be making 6 flights in 9 days, through 3 different time-zones, accompanied by (very) mobile young toddlers that do not like to sleep on our laps. We will need a car that accommodates the oversize stroller (the only one I know they will fall asleep in!), car seats… and a whole lot of patience. Phew. OK. That’s decided, we’re going, and we will all make the very best of it. Can’t wait!

crumbles

And that makes six (6) close and dear people that have seen their marriages collapse. And I am not talking about evident problematic relationships. I speak of loving, caring, dedicated, committed people. Couples. Just like us. Or so I thought… I don’t know. It just makes me sad, and it makes me wonder what is that so grave that can’t be fixed. What is it that makes the marriage not good enough to fight for? And we have had our (un?)fair share of grief, mind you! Mostly brought upon by external factors, but I have to admit that, I have, on occasion, questioned my ability to survive my marriage. I am obviously still in it, so I guess I can. But most importantly, right now I can’t think of anything that could break us. We like to reminisce. To go back to the good ol’days of dating. It is refreshing and kind of funny sometimes to recall some episodes of our not so distant past. And then we pat ourselves on the back, thankful and proud of our strength (or stubbornness??) while looking back at the stickier patches of our journey and how we somehow managed to stick together.
People speak of falling out of love, and of love fading away. I guess all is possible, I don’t love Nick the same “amount” every day, nor do I expect he does me… but I know always how happy we can be together, and we are fortunate enough to manage often and easily to re-connect from episodes of (apparent) distance. Giving up here to go find somewhere else, can be foolish… there is no relationship permanently in heaven, and if that is the expectation and we won’t take less than perfect, than we are bound to be disappointed, rather than pleasantly surprised.
Having said this, I am in no way against divorce, by any means. I am only and just for happiness!! I guess sometimes there is no other option, and others, there is an option that only one of the parties is willing to explore, so that doesn’t work either. It just makes me really sad. Because I know what an emotional investment a marriage is, how vulnerable we become when we share our whole selves with someone else, how much trust you build over the years… and how painful it must be to see that all taken away. I am so sorry. Please hang in there, the ones of you who have not yet managed to move on.

random update

It is a shame it is so inappropriate to just write about my experiments, because I can really get going… and since I decided that I will not get into scientific detail, especially considering that you few readers are not even slightly interested, I decided to just give you an update on my work life and it’s discontents. First of all, let me say I am less than happy with the fact that, after 5 weeks, I still have not received our health insurance cards, and worst of all, called the insurance company and they have not yet heard of me! This is a problem because we never know when we may need medical assistance (knock on wood). But right now it is a more urgent issue because I need to refill L’s asthma medication. According to the brokers that process the university’s insurance requests, we basically have to pay for it upfront (“just” a few hundreds…) and wait for the insurance to kick in and then request a refund. Very simple. For a normal family, I guess, but not quite for one with no income to speak of at the moment. Nick is still searching for a job, and, lucky as we are (not), the papers for my grant were not processed in time, so I will only start seeing my paychecks in May. Sigh. The funny thing is that the insurance brokers say it takes from 4 to 6 weeks to process, but if there is an emergency, they can actually do it in 3 or 4 days. So my question is, why don’t they? I know: lots of people, lots of applications, whatever… the application goes from the university to the brokers, then the brokers send the paperwork to the actual insurance company. I found out that the rate-limiting step is the middle step: once the insurance company receives the papers, it is virtually instantaneous, and the time it takes is pretty much printing and mailing the cards (the 3 or 4 days the broker speaks of). I can’t understand why my (and obviously all the other) applications have to sit and wait for 4 to 6 weeks before being sent to finalize the coverage. It just seems ridiculous. Anyway, the twins are eligible for state health insurance and I hope we can use that. However Nick and I, not being Americans, are not.
As for actual work stuff, I am very happy. This lab offers tremendous work conditions, at all levels, and I feel very fortunate to have been given this opportunity. I am pretty much being given all I could possibly need to do a good job… so, on the other hand, there is the pressure to return the favor with great results. Actually, I think that is a good thing! So after a couple of minor stumbles in the first weeks, I think I have found my feet and things are going quite smoothly. Stumbles that could have been avoided, I must say. When I train someone in a new technique, I usually do the procedure and let the person watch. Then I watch the person doing it and make sure all the little tricks are passed on. Everyone can follow a protocol, but there are always nuances that only an experienced hand would know, that are not necessarily written in the “recipe”. So I find that I could have profited and saved some time with a different kind of “training” in the first few weeks, but I am happy that I finally got the grasp of things. The advantage of this DIY kind of approach is that I am pretty sure I won’t forget how things should NOT be done.
So I should have good and plentiful data by next week, or even by the end of this week. However I have been coming to work every weekend, so that has to stop because I am tired and feel that I desperately need to sleep… and I miss the boys. T does very well, he is so adaptable and flexible that he just rolls with the punches, but he is completely dedicated to whoever takes care of him, and one can clearly read that his loyalty lies with Nick, no two ways about it! L, as in most things, is the opposite. He loves it and thrives when we are both around, so he always misses the absent parent, and if when Nick was at work he just wanted him, now that I am at work, he just wants me. It is very clear that he misses me, and from the moment I get home, I am given little choice but to pay as much attention as humanly possible to this one little dictator. By the way, this last week he has developed an unprecedented and inexplicable fear of the bath… what the heck happened? He seems terrified and we cannot figure out why. Any ideas?

sem escolha

Eu estive muito tempo sem trabalhar. Aliás, sem ter um emprego, porque o último ano e meio foram, sem sombra de dúvida, os meses mais ocupados da minha vida, tanto que voltar a o trabalho quase que sabe a férias. Quando acabei o doc, achei que seria relativamente rápido (questão de 2 ou 3 meses) encontrar o que queria. Não foi assim tão simples, e a coisa arrastou-se por mais um ano. E apesar de toda a espera não ter sido uma escolha, tive no fundo o luxo de poder esperar por aquilo que queria, pela oportunidade certa, e, sem pressas, insistir e perseguir o projecto que desejava para avançar na minha carreira. Demorou mas cheguei lá, e apesar de tudo, pelo menos por agora, sinto que valeu a pena. E se isto tudo foi difícil e às vezes desesperante, mesmo quando eu tinha opções e conforto financeiro, não é difícil imaginar o que é estar sem emprego contra a nossa vontade, natureza, capacidade e orgulho. Porque não temos escolha. E ainda pior quando não existe o luxo de esperar pelo que nos satisfaz, pelo que nos interessa, pelo que gostamos, por algo que se encaixe às nossas capacidades tanto quanto aos sonhos. É nessa situação que está o Nick. Sem escolha e sem luxos, sem tempo para esperar, porque tem uma família que precisa dele. E sem opções, porque de facto simplesmente não há empregos que cheguem para toda a gente! Pelo menos empregos que paguem o mínimo essencial para por os filhos na creche… ou seja, qualquer emprego que pague um pouco mais que o meu, já que o meu ordenado inteiro não chega para pagar tal despesa. Nao é um absurdo? Mas tudo se relativiza. Sabemos bem que ha famílias em situações bem mais desesperadas que a nossa, que enquanto houver pelo menos um ordenado, tudo se pode adaptar a essa escala, e quando há menos, olha, vive-se mais pequeno. Nao é esse o meu dilema. O que me custa é sabê-lo infeliz, insatisfeito e frustrado. Por uma razão que me ultrapassa, eu sinto que ele tem vergonha de estar desempregado. Apesar de racionalmente saber que não teve qualquer responsabilidade no infeliz desfecho para o que pareceu sempre uma promissora progressão na carreira, irracionalmente sente culpa. E ainda não consegui contornar essa tendência. A marca que lhe está no orgulho e na autoestima não irá desaparecer tão cedo… e agora para ajudar às inerentes limitações do desemprego, temos uma limitação geográfica. Estudamos até à exaustão as nossas hipóteses, e a eventualidade de surgir uma oportunidade de emprego longe daqui. Como seria? Sobreviveriamos? Provavelmente, mas tambem muito provavelmente à custa do meu posdoc. Se não estivermos juntos e igualmente disponíveis, como vai ser com os gémeos? Quem os vai levar a buscar à escola? E quando eu tiver que saír tarde? E quando algum deles estiver doente? E se ficar sem carro ou presa no trânsito? Se só há uma pessoa, não há como fazer turnos ou cedências ou acordos. Em menos de um fósforo eu teria que fazer as malas, desistir e começar tudo de novo. Não está fora de questão, mas é uma opção que preferimos adiar para já. Ou seja, para além de tudo, agora está… preso. A mim.

tarde em La Jolla

A tia Sandra e o Peter (Pita, para os meus filhos) estão de visita esta semana. Sábado resolvemos, apesar de não estar propriamente calor, ir passear até à praia (La Jolla shores), para apanhar ar e fazer algum exercício. A ideia era mesmo passear na calçada, mas fomos surpreendidos por um solinho imprevisto que prontamente me convenceu a tirar os sapatos (meus, do Lucas e do Thomas) e arregaçar as calças. O Nick ficou a tomar conta da “sapataria” enquanto a Sandra e a eu nos dividíamos por um gémeo cada uma, e o “Pita” insistia com paciência de Job na tarefa de apanhar os meus filhos em pose fotográfica. Já percebeu que eles não páram quietos o tempo suficiente para o disparo da máquina, muito menos os dois ao mesmo tempo, mas ainda assim acho que conseguiu algumas excelentes. O Thomas corre para dentro de água, sem medo, vergonha ou hesitações. O Lucas corre desalvorado para todos os lados, atrás de bolas (que não são dele), gaivotas, e de preferência na direcção oposta à da água. Compreender o oceano e toda a sua dimensão pela primeira vez penso que o terá intimidado. Mas apenas inicialmente, já que saíram da praia ambos completamente encharcados ate à cintura, e a verdade é que para o fim da tarde até nem estava assim tanto calor. Adoraram, e nós tambem. Esta praia fica a uns 20 minutos de nossa casa, temos que começar a ir mais vezes!

questions unanswered

Phew… I am so happy I read that article on stupidity before attending lab meeting today. I felt quite stupid and yet I felt comfort in remembering that it may actually be a good thing (sigh). By the end of the presentation I had a page full of questions that (today, my fist lab mtg) I did not have the heart or the nerve to ask out loud. But bear with me while I muddle through. I need to feel a little safer in this field: I don’t want to ask a really naïve question only to be answered with contempt because, after all, I am trained “just” as a plant biologist. Actually, I really always loved being one, it’s just that this kind of project has been calling for me... seriously, what else could I do but answer?? Anyway, I know it will take some time to convince my peers that I am one of them, and that I don’t expect to be excused of asking pertinent and important questions. So I kept my list to do some research on my own before airing the doubts to the group. I know. How insecure am I?

uma surpresa doce

O meu marido está a saír-me melhor que a encomenda. Pensando bem, se calhar devia ter sido sempre assim: eu a trabalhar e ele em casa. Anteontem quando cheguei a casa, já estava o jantar feito. Hoje cheguei bastante mais tarde do que de costume (tinha experiências a decorrer e fiquei presa...), quando cheguei, já estavam os gémeos de banho tomado e a casa cheirava a doce. Tinha feito um bolo! Eu ontem comentei que as bananas estavam a estragar-se e que tinhamos que inventar alguma coisa para nao termos que as deitar fora. Ora bolo de banana pareceu-lhe a melhor opção: o que acham? Ficou óptimo!

back to work

I am excited. This is just to let you know that my media and chemicals finally arrived. I can actually start doing something fun. I will keep you posted (no pun intended) on my progress. For those of you who don't know, I am a (proud and passionate) scientist and just recently changed my field of research to something very different. Something that has intrigued me over the years and that I finally have the opportunity to address and explore. So, for the ones interested, I hung on to my old friend hypoxia, and to an old acquaintance HIF, and traded the plant models for mammalian systems. I can tell you more about it as I go. For now, I am just energized, and I could not be happier to start this project and see where it will finally lead me. Meanwhile, my fellow scientists, indulge and just read this piece about stupidity.

Stay home Dad- Mama knows best?

It can be challenging to entertain 19 month-old twins all day long. For anyone. I was at home with Lucas and Thomas for exactly the first 19 months of their lives. We have done pretty much everything together and I became three from the day we all came home. They had a short-termed experience at daycare (3 half-days a week), which was refreshing, but that came to an end when we moved south to a slightly pricier home. It includes a fabulous backyard and is a single floor, which gave them a lot of freedom and me a lot less to worry about. However, most children don’t really entertain themselves. I was hoping, in part from hearing stories from my in-laws, that my kids would be able to entertain each other at this point. But, either Nick and Dave (yes, dad is also a twin) were more co-dependent, or my kids are just too different, because it does happen, but very rarely and certainly not for very long. So I quickly had to find strategies to keep them busy, excited and active: you just can’t read stories all day. Not even to T.
So when our tumbling lives took this last turn (mama leaves, papa stays), I thought I had to spend some time cushioning my imminent absence, so I spent a few hours organizing a little schedule for Dad, very flexible in most things, except meal and nap times, and everything else is filled with alternating stimulating and calming activities. They don’t get to watch TV any more than 30 min a day (right Dad???), so we picked either Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sesame Street or Pooh and Friends, depending on when any of the three boys is in dire need of a break (mostly Dad). If the morning goes by uneventfully and without TV, they can watch their favorite video in the afternoon, which are just cartoon-animated videos of Portuguese children’s songs. T can go into a trance in front of the screen, but L, as in most things, moves on in a few minutes, or gets so excited about it that he desperately needs to share it with you. If you think that their TV time is your little coffee break, think again. Not on L’s watch!
So they have been building stuff with their giant Lego-like blocs (Nick’s favorite activity), playing basketball outside… well, to the extent of their still limited ability. Of course the basket is about their height, they barely need to reach overhead. They can also weed the flower beds, but we need to pay attention because L likes to eat the soil, and occasionally we have pretty fast and scary swarms of ants coming out of hiding. Fortunately no black-widows have been spotted recently… we exterminated a handful last Fall. I asked Nick to start taking pictures or make little videos so I can illustrate these posts appropriately.

They had a good day today, so I was told. Lots of belly laughs and peaceful playtime. Papa decided on a different treat this afternoon and prepared, to L’s watchful eye and poorly contained anticipation, nothing less than… a smoothie! I heard it was a hit.
Just before I started working, in response to my concerns about leaving the three boys all by themselves, I was told that Nick would be "just fine", because he's a great dad, and he would "figure it out", however, there are things that mom's just do best. I learned today that smoothies could well be an exception.

Actualizacao

O post de hoje, o primeiro a sério, é para a família. Que quer saber de nós, as rotinas, os progressos, as gracinhas dos mais pequenos. Eu estou ainda um pouco desocupada na minha nova categoria de pos-doc: encomendei a semana passada os reagentes de que preciso para começar a trabalhar, e não há meio de chegar coisa nenhuma… ja estou um bocado farta, mas também ja encontrei outras coisas para me entreter. Estou contente. O Nick tem desempenhado, com uma eficácia e dedicação que me surpreenderam pela positiva, o seu novo papel de dono-de-casa e pai a tempo inteiro. Continua desempregado. Inicialmente muitas entrevistas, agora nada… sentimos que já batemos a todas as portas, já explorámos todas as vias e agora apenas esperamos. Tentando não deseperar. Ele está desanimado, mas eu tenho esperança que os dois homenzinhos mais novos consigam evitar que ele se afogue. O Lucas está super giro: fala que se farta, mas quase nada se percebe. O vocabulário é maioritariamente português, com excepção de “bye-bye” e “twee” (a sua versão de tree), mas também sabe dizer “arbe”. Já vai tentando combinar palavras, ou então palavras com os sinais (gestos) que continua a aprender, e tenta fazer pequenas frases. Já se explica muito bem. E já corre! Dá beijinhos (quando quer). Come lindamente. Adora “ajudar” nas tarefas domésticas. O Thomas continua muito querido, muito calmo e muito meigo. Entretém-se muito com qualquer coisa, e também fala muito… e também não se percebe quase nada. Teimoso como só ele (e talvez o paizinho dele). Adora livros. Adora cães e gatos (os gatos todos tem o nome da nossa Zöe), sabe sinais para quase todas as imagens dos livros que tem, e reconhece TODOS os livros pelo título, feito que não deixa de nos impressionar contando que, não só eles têm imensos livros, como alguns são da mesma colecção, o que significa que as capas são idênticas e as lombadas, pensavamos nós, não seriam fáceis de distinguir. Mas nós pedimos-lhe que vá buscar a história tal, e ele não falha. E quando lhe perguntamos por determinado personagem, ele folheia com um ar muito atento até encontrar para nos mostrar. Tem uma memória prodigiosa. Cai imenso e ainda não corre. Não sei se é apenas desastrado ou se há aqui mais qualquer coisa com que me deva começar (continuar, para ser mais honesta) a preocupar… o desenvolvimento motor dele sempre foi mais atrasado que o do irmão… mas é isso defeito ou feitio? Ainda não estou certa. Ambos dizem (por gestos) “se faz favor” e “obrigada”, a maior parte das vezes as duas logo de seguida após o pedido, para ficarem logo despachados. Ambos confundem a girafa com a zebra… mas distinguem perfeitamente o leão da leoa. Esta ultrapassa-me.
O Lucas adora fruta. O Thomas não consegue comer fruta que não esteja passada: pede, põe ao pé da boca e diz “hmmmm” (como se fosse a sua comida preferida), e depois tenta comer (nos não insistimos) e faz uma cara que parece que lhe estamos a dar vinagre! Não vai. De maneira nenhuma. Morangos, melancia, bananas, pêras, pêssegos, ananás, maças, uvas, manga, papaia, goiaba, meloa, mirtilos… já experimentei TUDO. Aceito dicas e sugestões.
Estamos bem. Estaremos melhor e mais felizes quando o pai retomar a vida activa. Até lá… consolamo-nos nestes pequenos progressos e diárias novidades que não deixam de nos fascinar...

3 years later...

It's kind of embarrassing, I created this blog just about 3 years ago...
I'm not sure if I will be able to keep it up, but it seems lately that there is too much to talk about for me to remain silent.
FYI, I should be alternating posts in English and in Portuguese. Stay tuned...