Sentimentos assustadores, pensamentos assustadores, emoções assustadoras. Emoções sobre as quais não exerço poder ou controle. Tenho momentos destes, fases assim. Preferia que não, mas são se calhar estes episódios que, apesar de parecer que nos empurram para o abismo, nos impulsionam para que demos afinal o salto para que a coragem nos tem faltado. Quando não fazemos pela vida o que ela exige de nós, mais tarde ou mais cedo vemo-nos confrontados com esta frustração, com esta exigência, com este ultimato. Agora não há como voltar atrás, não há como fazer remendos e não há como fingir que não se passa nada. Agora sim, se calhar estou mesmo à beira do abismo, mas sei muito bem que o salto não é mortal. É o que me vai devolver, resolver e ressuscitar. Tenho questionado algumas escolhas. Começo a pensar que muitas foram fruto de um pensamento com um bocadinho de lógica e um bocadinho de vaidade. Faço o que devo fazer, porque é isso que sei fazer e faço bem. Isso satisfaz-me? Na maior parte das vezes sim. Mas agora reparo que nao sei se algum dia me perguntei (com honestidade) se era isso que eu queria fazer. Houve momentos em que escolhi caminhos mais complicados porque os caminhos simples estavam “abaixo” de mim, era como se me estivesse a desperdiçar se decidisse deixar de seguir uma ou outra oportunidade. Se calhar não temos que aproveitar tudo, e às vezes entregar algumas decisoes à vontade, ao apetite, e dizer: eu ate podia fazer ou ser isto ou aquilo… mas agora não me apetece, e por isso não vou. Vou ficar aqui a fazer o que realmente quero. Será por isso que estou sempre debaixo de tanta pressão? Porque estou sempre a tentar fazer o que é suposto e esperado que faça? As expectativas que tenho tido para mim própria são sempre tão altas que raramente consigo chegar-lhes, ou entao chego-lhes mas… a que preço?
Hoje em conversa com a minha irmã, em desabafos de cansaço e exaustão, disse que não queria estar a tomar decisões importantes neste estado. E ela lembrou-me que, se eu não estivesse neste estado, não sentiria a necessidade de tomar decisões. E tem razão. É por certo por não as ter tomado mais cedo que estou neste impasse. Fiquei um pouco mais animada. Como se finalmente me tivesse dado permissão para agir. Agora já posso deliberar em paz nas minhas opções, porque adiante está certamente uma consequência real, uma decisão final, uma direcção definida. Agora acabam-se as lamúrias e a sensação de estar perdida. Agora vai ter mesmo que ser. Não sei se esta ansiedade se deve a alguma espécie de crise de meia idade, mas de repente sinto-me com pressa, sem tempo e com tudo por fazer… assombra-me, assusta-me e deixa-me com comportamentos de uma pessoa que eu não quero ser. Claro que depois tudo se soma e tudo se mistura, quando não há paciencia, não há paciência para nada, e enquanto a urgência do assunto chave não for resolvida, nada mais tem protagonismo. Agora tenho que deliberar até que encontre um lugar mais pacífico dentro de mim. Está tudo à espera dessa uma decisão. Mal posso esperar pelo veredito.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
no opinion...
I am a pretty lucky person. Always have been extremely spoiled in my relationships with people, all kinds of people. Yes, there are the occasional more-prone-to-argument kind of relationship, (to which my marriage happens to NOT be an exception), which happen usually, at least in my view, when people have strong opinions, especially in sensitive subjects, and are equally probable whether the two parties are very much alike or very much different. This was never an issue for me. Although I am argumentative (some might add extremely), I don’t particularly like conflict, nor do I handle it very well. It’s just that I actually enjoy exchanging ideas and tackle points of view, and I am very passionate about… well, pretty much everything, really. Does that make me confrontational? I don’t think so, and I hope not.
See, I was raised in an environment where everyone had a say, and rarely did we ever say the same thing. So it was only natural to disagree, we all learned to live with that. My father is to blame: he always played the devil’s advocate. Whenever we would come with our absolutely-no-question-about-it statements, very calmly (and I must say intelligently), he would point out that there has got to be an exception. And would give an example that would make you re-think your statement. This is how I grew to hate stereotypes, for example. I still have strong opinions (can’t help those), but am always reminded to think (sometimes re-think) my statements so not to transform one episode into a pattern. This is something that happens a lot in our society. It happens too much! It’s like saying that Italians are corrupt, and Portuguese are lazy, and that Americans are ignorant… Come on people, not ALL!! But can you help the labels? Nope. They are always there.
The “go with the flow” philosophy never quite worked for my father, and so we all learned to always question and became real pains in the neck for some people.
So how does this relate to my luck? Oh well, quite a loop of thought here. My strong opinions were more source of amusement than of intimidation in most of my relationships. But lately (5 years?) I found myself in the kind of pickle that no common sense can resolve. All of a sudden, my occasional (albeit passionate) expression of thoughts have been, very unfortunately, perceived as challenging and confrontational by no less than the family of my better half. This has made our lives very complicated. We went from trying to “explain” that my occasional difference of opinion does not simply mean judgment (really, it doesn’t! Sometimes I just happen to disagree!!!!), but seriously, I realized that my upbringing, for the first time in my life, actually played against me. Nick’s could not have been any more different. The Price always agree, and provide a common statement that every member subscribes when it comes to difficult issues. There is a lot of nodding. Now that I have kind of moved on from my frustration and grief and need for acceptance (… will never happen), I realize that I have never in nine years have witnessed a conversation where different members of the family have different views on a particular issue. Never except the ones where I naively intervened. The family gatherings are light and superficial: food, weather, work, travels and the like. That is all good, but can only last so long. This is family for goodness sake, there are moments where you will eventually talk about something a little deeper… one might think? But no. That happens when third parties are talked about, outside the “circle of agreement”. Not within. So it has been difficult for me to be a part of this. I am fortunate in my relationships in general, but I also tend to take things more seriously than I probably should, and I crave depth: in relationships, in conversations, my work, my books, music... I scrutinize lyrics of songs I like, which has caused me to start disliking, for example… so I can be a little too much, I know that. What I can’t be is too little. I am sorry. Can’t do "small talk" forever, not at least with people that I spend a relatively reasonable amount of time with.
So, bottom line, it’s been the biggest challenge of my life in the last few years, to try to keep my mouth shut and just nod more. My efforts have been noticed, but unfortunately not to my benefit, since I am now perceived as being tense (couldn’t be more right on that one!).
I have my husband’s loyalty and appreciation. All those things that I am too much of, can annoy him on occasion (can you blame him?), but I know for sure, and he does too, that those are what made him love me and stick with me. So I am grateful for my friends and for Nick, for having my back so unconditionally, that I rarely ever worry about thinking, saying or being anything. And I know I should find a way to be grateful for having come across people that showed me that, sometimes, you’re better off keeping your opinions to yourself (even if they are apparently harmless)… I will get there.
See, I was raised in an environment where everyone had a say, and rarely did we ever say the same thing. So it was only natural to disagree, we all learned to live with that. My father is to blame: he always played the devil’s advocate. Whenever we would come with our absolutely-no-question-about-it statements, very calmly (and I must say intelligently), he would point out that there has got to be an exception. And would give an example that would make you re-think your statement. This is how I grew to hate stereotypes, for example. I still have strong opinions (can’t help those), but am always reminded to think (sometimes re-think) my statements so not to transform one episode into a pattern. This is something that happens a lot in our society. It happens too much! It’s like saying that Italians are corrupt, and Portuguese are lazy, and that Americans are ignorant… Come on people, not ALL!! But can you help the labels? Nope. They are always there.
The “go with the flow” philosophy never quite worked for my father, and so we all learned to always question and became real pains in the neck for some people.
So how does this relate to my luck? Oh well, quite a loop of thought here. My strong opinions were more source of amusement than of intimidation in most of my relationships. But lately (5 years?) I found myself in the kind of pickle that no common sense can resolve. All of a sudden, my occasional (albeit passionate) expression of thoughts have been, very unfortunately, perceived as challenging and confrontational by no less than the family of my better half. This has made our lives very complicated. We went from trying to “explain” that my occasional difference of opinion does not simply mean judgment (really, it doesn’t! Sometimes I just happen to disagree!!!!), but seriously, I realized that my upbringing, for the first time in my life, actually played against me. Nick’s could not have been any more different. The Price always agree, and provide a common statement that every member subscribes when it comes to difficult issues. There is a lot of nodding. Now that I have kind of moved on from my frustration and grief and need for acceptance (… will never happen), I realize that I have never in nine years have witnessed a conversation where different members of the family have different views on a particular issue. Never except the ones where I naively intervened. The family gatherings are light and superficial: food, weather, work, travels and the like. That is all good, but can only last so long. This is family for goodness sake, there are moments where you will eventually talk about something a little deeper… one might think? But no. That happens when third parties are talked about, outside the “circle of agreement”. Not within. So it has been difficult for me to be a part of this. I am fortunate in my relationships in general, but I also tend to take things more seriously than I probably should, and I crave depth: in relationships, in conversations, my work, my books, music... I scrutinize lyrics of songs I like, which has caused me to start disliking, for example… so I can be a little too much, I know that. What I can’t be is too little. I am sorry. Can’t do "small talk" forever, not at least with people that I spend a relatively reasonable amount of time with.
So, bottom line, it’s been the biggest challenge of my life in the last few years, to try to keep my mouth shut and just nod more. My efforts have been noticed, but unfortunately not to my benefit, since I am now perceived as being tense (couldn’t be more right on that one!).
I have my husband’s loyalty and appreciation. All those things that I am too much of, can annoy him on occasion (can you blame him?), but I know for sure, and he does too, that those are what made him love me and stick with me. So I am grateful for my friends and for Nick, for having my back so unconditionally, that I rarely ever worry about thinking, saying or being anything. And I know I should find a way to be grateful for having come across people that showed me that, sometimes, you’re better off keeping your opinions to yourself (even if they are apparently harmless)… I will get there.
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