Sentimentos assustadores, pensamentos assustadores, emoções assustadoras. Emoções sobre as quais não exerço poder ou controle. Tenho momentos destes, fases assim. Preferia que não, mas são se calhar estes episódios que, apesar de parecer que nos empurram para o abismo, nos impulsionam para que demos afinal o salto para que a coragem nos tem faltado. Quando não fazemos pela vida o que ela exige de nós, mais tarde ou mais cedo vemo-nos confrontados com esta frustração, com esta exigência, com este ultimato. Agora não há como voltar atrás, não há como fazer remendos e não há como fingir que não se passa nada. Agora sim, se calhar estou mesmo à beira do abismo, mas sei muito bem que o salto não é mortal. É o que me vai devolver, resolver e ressuscitar. Tenho questionado algumas escolhas. Começo a pensar que muitas foram fruto de um pensamento com um bocadinho de lógica e um bocadinho de vaidade. Faço o que devo fazer, porque é isso que sei fazer e faço bem. Isso satisfaz-me? Na maior parte das vezes sim. Mas agora reparo que nao sei se algum dia me perguntei (com honestidade) se era isso que eu queria fazer. Houve momentos em que escolhi caminhos mais complicados porque os caminhos simples estavam “abaixo” de mim, era como se me estivesse a desperdiçar se decidisse deixar de seguir uma ou outra oportunidade. Se calhar não temos que aproveitar tudo, e às vezes entregar algumas decisoes à vontade, ao apetite, e dizer: eu ate podia fazer ou ser isto ou aquilo… mas agora não me apetece, e por isso não vou. Vou ficar aqui a fazer o que realmente quero. Será por isso que estou sempre debaixo de tanta pressão? Porque estou sempre a tentar fazer o que é suposto e esperado que faça? As expectativas que tenho tido para mim própria são sempre tão altas que raramente consigo chegar-lhes, ou entao chego-lhes mas… a que preço?
Hoje em conversa com a minha irmã, em desabafos de cansaço e exaustão, disse que não queria estar a tomar decisões importantes neste estado. E ela lembrou-me que, se eu não estivesse neste estado, não sentiria a necessidade de tomar decisões. E tem razão. É por certo por não as ter tomado mais cedo que estou neste impasse. Fiquei um pouco mais animada. Como se finalmente me tivesse dado permissão para agir. Agora já posso deliberar em paz nas minhas opções, porque adiante está certamente uma consequência real, uma decisão final, uma direcção definida. Agora acabam-se as lamúrias e a sensação de estar perdida. Agora vai ter mesmo que ser. Não sei se esta ansiedade se deve a alguma espécie de crise de meia idade, mas de repente sinto-me com pressa, sem tempo e com tudo por fazer… assombra-me, assusta-me e deixa-me com comportamentos de uma pessoa que eu não quero ser. Claro que depois tudo se soma e tudo se mistura, quando não há paciencia, não há paciência para nada, e enquanto a urgência do assunto chave não for resolvida, nada mais tem protagonismo. Agora tenho que deliberar até que encontre um lugar mais pacífico dentro de mim. Está tudo à espera dessa uma decisão. Mal posso esperar pelo veredito.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 08, 2010
no opinion...
I am a pretty lucky person. Always have been extremely spoiled in my relationships with people, all kinds of people. Yes, there are the occasional more-prone-to-argument kind of relationship, (to which my marriage happens to NOT be an exception), which happen usually, at least in my view, when people have strong opinions, especially in sensitive subjects, and are equally probable whether the two parties are very much alike or very much different. This was never an issue for me. Although I am argumentative (some might add extremely), I don’t particularly like conflict, nor do I handle it very well. It’s just that I actually enjoy exchanging ideas and tackle points of view, and I am very passionate about… well, pretty much everything, really. Does that make me confrontational? I don’t think so, and I hope not.
See, I was raised in an environment where everyone had a say, and rarely did we ever say the same thing. So it was only natural to disagree, we all learned to live with that. My father is to blame: he always played the devil’s advocate. Whenever we would come with our absolutely-no-question-about-it statements, very calmly (and I must say intelligently), he would point out that there has got to be an exception. And would give an example that would make you re-think your statement. This is how I grew to hate stereotypes, for example. I still have strong opinions (can’t help those), but am always reminded to think (sometimes re-think) my statements so not to transform one episode into a pattern. This is something that happens a lot in our society. It happens too much! It’s like saying that Italians are corrupt, and Portuguese are lazy, and that Americans are ignorant… Come on people, not ALL!! But can you help the labels? Nope. They are always there.
The “go with the flow” philosophy never quite worked for my father, and so we all learned to always question and became real pains in the neck for some people.
So how does this relate to my luck? Oh well, quite a loop of thought here. My strong opinions were more source of amusement than of intimidation in most of my relationships. But lately (5 years?) I found myself in the kind of pickle that no common sense can resolve. All of a sudden, my occasional (albeit passionate) expression of thoughts have been, very unfortunately, perceived as challenging and confrontational by no less than the family of my better half. This has made our lives very complicated. We went from trying to “explain” that my occasional difference of opinion does not simply mean judgment (really, it doesn’t! Sometimes I just happen to disagree!!!!), but seriously, I realized that my upbringing, for the first time in my life, actually played against me. Nick’s could not have been any more different. The Price always agree, and provide a common statement that every member subscribes when it comes to difficult issues. There is a lot of nodding. Now that I have kind of moved on from my frustration and grief and need for acceptance (… will never happen), I realize that I have never in nine years have witnessed a conversation where different members of the family have different views on a particular issue. Never except the ones where I naively intervened. The family gatherings are light and superficial: food, weather, work, travels and the like. That is all good, but can only last so long. This is family for goodness sake, there are moments where you will eventually talk about something a little deeper… one might think? But no. That happens when third parties are talked about, outside the “circle of agreement”. Not within. So it has been difficult for me to be a part of this. I am fortunate in my relationships in general, but I also tend to take things more seriously than I probably should, and I crave depth: in relationships, in conversations, my work, my books, music... I scrutinize lyrics of songs I like, which has caused me to start disliking, for example… so I can be a little too much, I know that. What I can’t be is too little. I am sorry. Can’t do "small talk" forever, not at least with people that I spend a relatively reasonable amount of time with.
So, bottom line, it’s been the biggest challenge of my life in the last few years, to try to keep my mouth shut and just nod more. My efforts have been noticed, but unfortunately not to my benefit, since I am now perceived as being tense (couldn’t be more right on that one!).
I have my husband’s loyalty and appreciation. All those things that I am too much of, can annoy him on occasion (can you blame him?), but I know for sure, and he does too, that those are what made him love me and stick with me. So I am grateful for my friends and for Nick, for having my back so unconditionally, that I rarely ever worry about thinking, saying or being anything. And I know I should find a way to be grateful for having come across people that showed me that, sometimes, you’re better off keeping your opinions to yourself (even if they are apparently harmless)… I will get there.
See, I was raised in an environment where everyone had a say, and rarely did we ever say the same thing. So it was only natural to disagree, we all learned to live with that. My father is to blame: he always played the devil’s advocate. Whenever we would come with our absolutely-no-question-about-it statements, very calmly (and I must say intelligently), he would point out that there has got to be an exception. And would give an example that would make you re-think your statement. This is how I grew to hate stereotypes, for example. I still have strong opinions (can’t help those), but am always reminded to think (sometimes re-think) my statements so not to transform one episode into a pattern. This is something that happens a lot in our society. It happens too much! It’s like saying that Italians are corrupt, and Portuguese are lazy, and that Americans are ignorant… Come on people, not ALL!! But can you help the labels? Nope. They are always there.
The “go with the flow” philosophy never quite worked for my father, and so we all learned to always question and became real pains in the neck for some people.
So how does this relate to my luck? Oh well, quite a loop of thought here. My strong opinions were more source of amusement than of intimidation in most of my relationships. But lately (5 years?) I found myself in the kind of pickle that no common sense can resolve. All of a sudden, my occasional (albeit passionate) expression of thoughts have been, very unfortunately, perceived as challenging and confrontational by no less than the family of my better half. This has made our lives very complicated. We went from trying to “explain” that my occasional difference of opinion does not simply mean judgment (really, it doesn’t! Sometimes I just happen to disagree!!!!), but seriously, I realized that my upbringing, for the first time in my life, actually played against me. Nick’s could not have been any more different. The Price always agree, and provide a common statement that every member subscribes when it comes to difficult issues. There is a lot of nodding. Now that I have kind of moved on from my frustration and grief and need for acceptance (… will never happen), I realize that I have never in nine years have witnessed a conversation where different members of the family have different views on a particular issue. Never except the ones where I naively intervened. The family gatherings are light and superficial: food, weather, work, travels and the like. That is all good, but can only last so long. This is family for goodness sake, there are moments where you will eventually talk about something a little deeper… one might think? But no. That happens when third parties are talked about, outside the “circle of agreement”. Not within. So it has been difficult for me to be a part of this. I am fortunate in my relationships in general, but I also tend to take things more seriously than I probably should, and I crave depth: in relationships, in conversations, my work, my books, music... I scrutinize lyrics of songs I like, which has caused me to start disliking, for example… so I can be a little too much, I know that. What I can’t be is too little. I am sorry. Can’t do "small talk" forever, not at least with people that I spend a relatively reasonable amount of time with.
So, bottom line, it’s been the biggest challenge of my life in the last few years, to try to keep my mouth shut and just nod more. My efforts have been noticed, but unfortunately not to my benefit, since I am now perceived as being tense (couldn’t be more right on that one!).
I have my husband’s loyalty and appreciation. All those things that I am too much of, can annoy him on occasion (can you blame him?), but I know for sure, and he does too, that those are what made him love me and stick with me. So I am grateful for my friends and for Nick, for having my back so unconditionally, that I rarely ever worry about thinking, saying or being anything. And I know I should find a way to be grateful for having come across people that showed me that, sometimes, you’re better off keeping your opinions to yourself (even if they are apparently harmless)… I will get there.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Returning home
I dwelled on this title for being so ambiguous. I returned home to Portugal, and now returned home to the US to spend Christmas with my newest family, Nick and the boys. It’s funny how I just now realized I am never leaving home, instead I am always on my way home. Cool! Less cool is that I have to always leave home behind. Bummer. I knew it wasn’t all good…
Anyway, I am back in So Cal and back to work, for great disappointment of Nick, who for some reason convinced himself that I was going to have another vacation here after 2 1/2 weeks overseas and away from work! I wish I could, but I am too busy to even consider that possibility. He is at home with the twins, who are so pleased to be back and missed him so much!
The trips there and back were great. As predicted, not a lot of sleep. Actually, none whatsoever on the way there, and even though they both behaved quite acceptably (I was thoroughly congratulated by fellow passengers and crews!), I have to say I got there exhausted, because entertainment for 16 hours is not easy to come up with. And Lucas, bless him, DOES NOT SHUT UP. It was driving me crazy, and every time I asked him (or told him or demanded that he would please be quiet for a minute) he would just give me a very hurt look, like “I am not doing anything wrong”. The way back was similar, but they slept on the second flight all the way, so that was good for everybody.
While there… they were amazing. They did not shy away from all the attention and the introduction of new faces and family members on a daily basis (no kidding, I lost count!), and embraced all and everyone with grace and good behavior. Again, I could not be more proud! Lucas was great, which is somewhat surprising considering that he is usually the most troublesome, but Thomas filled in with his best moments of stubbornness (or is it strong personality?). They were funny, building sentences in both languages, or mixing and matching (Lucas’ talent). Thomas was the official translator, making sure everything was said in both languages so no one would miss anything. He totally knows the two, but I don’t think he always knows which is which, and in case of doubt, he will say it twice and look at you to make sure you know what he means. Too funny.
It was great for me to go back and recharge, it had been too long. It was short, and yet more relaxed than the previous trip 2 years ago. I only managed to see a few friends, the closest, and even though we don’t really catch up with each other, it feels great to hang out for a bit, as we would if I still lived next door.
Thanks everyone!
Friday, December 18, 2009
for you
Songbird
(Chirstine McVie; Fleetwood Mac)
For you there'll be no more crying
For you, the sun will be shining
and I feel that when I'm with you
it's alright, I know it's right
To you, I will give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'cause I feel that when I'm with you
it's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds are singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before
And I wish you all the love in the world
but most of all I wish it for myself
And the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before, like never before...
(Chirstine McVie; Fleetwood Mac)
For you there'll be no more crying
For you, the sun will be shining
and I feel that when I'm with you
it's alright, I know it's right
To you, I will give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'cause I feel that when I'm with you
it's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds are singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before
And I wish you all the love in the world
but most of all I wish it for myself
And the songbirds keep singing
like they know the score
and I love you, I love you, I love you
like never before, like never before...
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Traveling with toddler twins... am I crazy?
The biggest adventure ever awaits me. On a whim, and for a large number of reasons, I decided to fly to Portugal before the holidays to spend some time with the Mendes and Branco sides of the family. The biggest problem is that Nick won’t be able to come, given that he hasn’t been working long enough to have sufficient vacation time. Oh well. It will be me and the toddler twins, on our own, across the country and over the Atlantic; 15h one way (there), 18h back.
I went shopping last weekend for portable in-flight entertainment: coloring books, stickers (lots of them, dinosaurs, stars, boats, planets, shapes, cats…), crayons and markers, and a couple of tiny toys, a dinosaur and a motorbike (each). I spent almost nothing (thanks 99c store), and can only hope that each will last long enough, between meals and cartoons that they may care for, because I KNOW they will not sleep very much. Especially we-know-who (master Lucas…). Now I find myself getting nervous about the logistics of this all. Very much unlike me, I booked this flight before putting too much thought into it, because I knew I would eventually panic and change my mind. And I really want to go. But I think I can use some suggestions here, please keep them coming. Getting through security, shoes off, shoes on, and in the meantime, while trying to recover all of the carry-on baggage, how exactly do I manage to not loose one of the kids? What if they decide to explore while I blink?
The other thing is diapers. They are in the process of training, but I am not sure if I can take my chances on the flight or even at the airport, because we simply may not be able to go when they need to. So diaper will be on. But what about diaper changes?? I can manage going to the bathroom on the airplane with one child, but with the two it is just not going to happen. Not safely at least. So what do I do with the other?
And lastly, the arrival in Lisbon. From my experience, we have always had to get out of the plane into a bus to get to passport control and baggage claim. I need to get everyone out of the plane and into the bus, plus the carry-on and… the double stroller.
I don’t think it is possible to do this without an extra pair of hands, for what I am now only hoping for a generous soul to offer to help. When I flew back in 2008, alone with the twins, I was not very fortunate with the crew (they did NOTHING) but some passengers on one of the flights were amazing. The second flight was unfortunate in every way, but at least the twins were not mobile, one sat on my lap and the other traveled in a car seat beside us. Now it’s a different story, when we will each have our own seat. Ideas will be very welcome... we leave in two weeks.
Friday, September 04, 2009
a poem I like...
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God, It never was between you and them anyway.
(Mother Teresa of Calcutta)
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God, It never was between you and them anyway.
(Mother Teresa of Calcutta)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
We had a little party
... for our twins' second birthday last weekend. We kicked off the day with singing happy birthday and opening presents in pajamas, before breakfast. Since they are so much into music theses days, we decided to provide some instruments. Preempting possible regrets we, for now, avoided the drums. They loved the xylophone and the piano, and play with them often, and (most of the time) share or take turns without requiring much intervention. Then it was time for singing Parabéns a Você to Tio Tony, who shares his birthday with L and T. Needless to say that the whole family was on the other end of the line. We connected our Skypes and sang and talked away, the twins are getting so interactive and good at this virtual communication stuff! They showed off their new toys and sang along, clapped and blew candles. It was almost as good as being with each other, but not quite. At least we were definitely together, and that was special. It is nice that they recognize almost everyone now (and there are lots of people on my side of the family!)
Then it was time to go shopping with mama. She had a change of heart regarding buying new clothes, and last minute decided that they should wear something new for their birthday… I could not find at all what I was looking for, but settled for something that worked just as well. Not that they care, really. Meanwhile, papa was cleaning the backyard and the grill, because we were expecting some guests…
We know, the rule kind of says one guest per year of age, but we totally went overboard, because even with twins and the excuse of doubling the minor partygoers, we had ten little guests (between the ages of 19 months and 11 years), their parents, and some childless friends. We had a blast! They all arrived after nap time (at my request, so we didn’t have little monsters hosting the party instead of cute birthday boys!!). The Rundqvists arrived and started with the cutest rendition of the Swedish happy birthday song. Well, the only rendition I have ever heard, but still adorable enough to bring tears to my eyes. It was one of the highlights of the day for me. We set up a blow-up castle in the lawn, and let the kids venture into it at will. Then the Diaz de Leon joined, after a detour to get some extra ice for our coolers, and carrying a delicious pasta salad and nothing less than a big bunch of balloons, to fill the eye and the joy of pretty much everyone. That was so nice!
After that, guests started trickling down: Dr. Stockmann with some cool beer that the gentlemen were all very grateful for, the Kurihide family with the super cute decorated little cookies that just vanished (mostly into Thomas), a salad by our so welcomed and yet unexpected guests Na and Biao. Before I knew it, there were people everywhere, clusters of kids in the family room, the kids’ bedroom, outside, in front of the TV or around the table having nibbles of whatever I had out.
After grilling peppers, zucchini, corn, chicken and steaks for about 2 hours, we finally had dinner and then… cake and presents. The twins really had no concept of presents and birthdays, so it was nice to watch them intrigued by the wrapped packages and the fact that they actually had things inside. Some adorable outfits (the Johnson lab, Na and Biao), handcrafted wall fixtures by the Cowburns, and a playdough set from the DDLs. Lucas opened every card and read “happy day”. Around 7 pm Thomas decided he was done. He came to me and asked to be held, and there he stayed until all the guests had left. He actually started waving goodbye to everybody still outside chatting, in a clear sign that his party was over… got to teach this kid some etiquette! We finally gave them the absolutely required bath before tucking them into bed… and then got on with business clearing everything away before collapsing in bed. I missed my gym the next morning, simply could not drag myself out of bed at 5:40 am… but sure had quite the workout the day before. Thanks everyone for a wonderful day, everyone was happy and we enjoyed so much sharing this day with you.
Pictures at flickr.com/photos/crisbp…
Then it was time to go shopping with mama. She had a change of heart regarding buying new clothes, and last minute decided that they should wear something new for their birthday… I could not find at all what I was looking for, but settled for something that worked just as well. Not that they care, really. Meanwhile, papa was cleaning the backyard and the grill, because we were expecting some guests…
We know, the rule kind of says one guest per year of age, but we totally went overboard, because even with twins and the excuse of doubling the minor partygoers, we had ten little guests (between the ages of 19 months and 11 years), their parents, and some childless friends. We had a blast! They all arrived after nap time (at my request, so we didn’t have little monsters hosting the party instead of cute birthday boys!!). The Rundqvists arrived and started with the cutest rendition of the Swedish happy birthday song. Well, the only rendition I have ever heard, but still adorable enough to bring tears to my eyes. It was one of the highlights of the day for me. We set up a blow-up castle in the lawn, and let the kids venture into it at will. Then the Diaz de Leon joined, after a detour to get some extra ice for our coolers, and carrying a delicious pasta salad and nothing less than a big bunch of balloons, to fill the eye and the joy of pretty much everyone. That was so nice!
After that, guests started trickling down: Dr. Stockmann with some cool beer that the gentlemen were all very grateful for, the Kurihide family with the super cute decorated little cookies that just vanished (mostly into Thomas), a salad by our so welcomed and yet unexpected guests Na and Biao. Before I knew it, there were people everywhere, clusters of kids in the family room, the kids’ bedroom, outside, in front of the TV or around the table having nibbles of whatever I had out.
After grilling peppers, zucchini, corn, chicken and steaks for about 2 hours, we finally had dinner and then… cake and presents. The twins really had no concept of presents and birthdays, so it was nice to watch them intrigued by the wrapped packages and the fact that they actually had things inside. Some adorable outfits (the Johnson lab, Na and Biao), handcrafted wall fixtures by the Cowburns, and a playdough set from the DDLs. Lucas opened every card and read “happy day”. Around 7 pm Thomas decided he was done. He came to me and asked to be held, and there he stayed until all the guests had left. He actually started waving goodbye to everybody still outside chatting, in a clear sign that his party was over… got to teach this kid some etiquette! We finally gave them the absolutely required bath before tucking them into bed… and then got on with business clearing everything away before collapsing in bed. I missed my gym the next morning, simply could not drag myself out of bed at 5:40 am… but sure had quite the workout the day before. Thanks everyone for a wonderful day, everyone was happy and we enjoyed so much sharing this day with you.
Pictures at flickr.com/photos/crisbp…
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